Many years ago, I developed an intense dislike for New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. In my mind, it was the worst holiday of the year. Christmas Day was my minds signal that New Year’s was coming quick and I would start getting depressed, which would last until January 2nd at least (longer if it was a holiday weekend). There was no outside reason for this antipathy. It was due to superstitions that I myself had created and believed in. At some point in time, a point that I am today at a complete loss to pinpoint, I began to believe that my circumstances at midnight on New Year’s Eve were a direct indication of what I could expect from the coming year. If I was happy and laughing, I could expect an overall good year. If I was sad and depressed, the feelings would stay with me for the majority of the year. If I was with the one that I loved and we shared a New Year’s kiss then I could feel secure in my relationship for another year. If circumstances kept us apart then they would likely continue to do so.
No big deal, really. Many people have a similar superstition for New Year’s. And for the most part, I never really dwelled on it all overly much. Until the year that my first husband and I were not together at midnight. We were not together because it was the first of many “seperations” that we would put ourselves through over the next 5 years or so. Coincidently, every New Year that followed that one during those next five years, we would be “seperated”. And though we were experts at being seperated, my ex was terrible at being single. So every year, he ended up ringing in the New Year with his current girlfriend while I stayed home with the kids, upset and hoping that this year would be the one that we could work things out. Obviously, since I have already referred to him as my ex a few times, eventually I did wise up and, not only did we split for good, but my previously held, fairly light-hearted, general superstition became a monster one that could and would destroy future holidays.
If anything whatsoever, no matter how small, went wrong on New Year’s that was a signal to me that I would not have a good year. Combine this no tolerance style superstition with the fact that I was always already depressed coming into the holiday and I created for myself a no-win situation. I would never have a perfect holiday and even if I somehow had miracurously managed to pull one off, the simple fact that I was depressed would have, in my mind, overriden the perfection, and would have once again been a signal of another bad year to come. To clarify, I don’t mean to imply that every year I have spent has been a bad year as foretold but this fact did not enter into my reasoning as it pertained to my monster superstition.
Then this year, sometime within the last couple of days, I realized that I wasn’t dreading the holiday. I wasn’t particularly depressed, hadn’t really referred to New Year’s in my mind or outloud as the worst holiday of the year, or experienced any of the other typical feelings that I had grown accustomed to having. So what is the reason for this change? It’s not because 2008 was any better or worse than the ones prior. Relationship-wise, my current love and I have been together for several years now so that is not a factor. It could be that I have just been working too hard to have had the time to dwell on it but last year was even worse so probably not. Or maybe, I have just subconsciously grown-up and finally been able to start letting go of some of the things that just don’t matter anymore. Regardless, once I realized it was no longer there, I also realized how nice it was to not have that hopeless, forbidding cloud hang over my head entering into the New Year.
So do you think that this is an indication that 2009 will be…? Okay, just kidding. No more New Year’s superstitions. Maybe.
