Being Angry at God…

I walked into the house and I heard mom and Cora on zoom with a Bible study group. I heard the question, “When was a time you were angry at God?” I knew exactly when. I was angry when he took my dad from me. I even told him when I was praying for a miracle that I would be mad at him for a little while but I would eventually get over it. I did. By the time his funeral arrived I knew I had to remember the good times I had with him and appreciate the time I spent with him. I know God has a plan for us and we are not privy to it nor can we control it. It’s hard to accept the bad times and easy to accept the good.

Beauty in Ice

The ice, as dangerous as it can be, is beautiful. The ice falling through the trees is peaceful. The cracking. And tinkling. Brings me peace somehow. I think sometimes we take for granted the beauty of mother nature. We also don’t respect it enough. The chaos and damage it can cause, but the fact that it is beautiful in its own right. It does what it wants. The silence of the woods full of snow. The tinkling of ice in the trees. The crash of waves or water from the waterfall. The power behind a beautiful lightning storm. There is a certain aspect to mother nature that is just amazing and something that we take for granted. I feel like we as people who live surrounded by mother nature should respect her better.

Loss..

You never expect to lose someone. Whether it is a pet, family member, or friend. I came home today and found my bunny had passed away. She looked incredibly comfortable. She made herself a nest and was sprawled out. I had a beautiful mental image that was so vivid of her bouncing around towards my dad and him welcoming her with open arms in heaven surrounded by our other animals that we have lost. I believe he is taking care of all of our lost loved fur babies until we are reunited in heaven. Loss is hard no matter if it’s an animal, family, or friend.

Handwriting..

Sometimes it’s the little things that set you off. For me today, I saw a sticky note that my dad had written on. I immediately started crying. He passed away May 16, 2019. People say it gets easier. I don’t think it does. I have days that I can live and breathe and do everything like normal. Then I have days where it’s like I’m back in that hospital room with my heart breaking all over again. Like today. I saw the handwriting and just started crying. Some days I have to pretend he’s still here to get by others just go by. It is hard. Everyday. It doesn’t really get easier to me. Maybe after more time passes. But I doubt it.

Vacation

I need a vacation. Which I can’t afford to take. I just need time away from the kids. They push literally every button they can. Argue non stop. They physically fight. I think I’m getting burned out. I just need to get back to myself again. I’m not feeling like myself. I’m feeling like a stranger in my own body and mind. Does anyone experience burn out like this?

The mind..

It’s amazing how many times someone can change their mind. When I got out of highschool I wanted to own my own catering business that was also event planning and cake decorating. That way we did it all and it would be cheaper over all to pay for one of our packages instead of going to several different places. Then I went to college and did a semester and switched to elementary education. I thought I wanted to teach elementary preferring k-1. Then I opened myself up to middle school and high school. I think I like high school the best. The only thing about teaching high school is specializing in one area. I really like science. I would want to teach science. My biggest goal though, is that I want a sanctuary for animals and people. A place for people to recharge themselves, get back on their feet, and rejoin society refreshed and ready. It’s hard to reach my goal with student loans and only getting paid $9 an hour though. You can’t live on that. That’s the story of everyone’s life though right. Does anyone else feel like you can’t catch up on life and it’s just passing you buy while you survive instead of live?

I know I say this a lot…

I know I say this a lot. I really don’t like the hamster wheel that is life. They say to make something of yourself. How do you do that without burning out in the other things you’re doing? What about your job and paying for the things that you need? How does one balance doing everything by your self? I don’t know how to do it. I know I need to figure it out but I’m not sure how. Any suggestions?

My Back

So, I threw out my back again. This is the second time I have done it. It hurts a lot. I read an article today that said sciatic pain feels like being in labor but the labor doesn’t stop. There is no release. I don’t have anything to compare it to because I haven’t had children yet but it is what I imagined it would be. It also said except that with labor you get a baby, the back just sucks. I need it to stop. I was given exercises to help the pain after and strengthen my back.